Trust

Why is it so hard to trust God? He's taken such good care of me and yet every time I am in some sort of bad situation I immediately don't trust Him and try to take care of it on my own. But then maybe I don't trust Him during the good times either, it's just like what CS Lewis talks about in "A Grief Observed" when he says,
"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?"

I guess in the good times, I don't really have much to trust Him with, but when the tough stuff comes, I find that I really don't trust God as much as I should and would like.
I read Acts 4: 23-31 today and the verses 29 and 31 caught my attention. They ask for the Holy Spirit to come upon them so that they can speak the word of God boldly. It's interesting because people don't really talk about the Holy Spirit much. We really don't seem to know much about Him. I wonder what would happen if people began asking for the Holy Spirit to come upon them so that they could preach the word of God boldly (and meant it). I wonder how dramatically that would change the Church and our ministry. I wonder if everyone would go out and preach. Probably not since we need different parts of the Body and they have different functions (surprise, surprise). I wonder what my role is in the Body. I can't seem to figure out what my gifts are. I mean, I enjoy serving others. I just don't know what ways I would be best at. I guess God will reveal that to me in due time as I keep searching.
My grandma is alright. Stable, in that slowly spiraling down way. I guess I should re-read "A Grief Observed" soon. For some reason, I just can't deal with the fact that my grandma's dying. I attempt to avoid thinking about it at all times. But it still hurts. I guess it's just a dull hurt that I push away and try to ignore, thinking it will go away over time. Maybe God will have to drag it out of me like he did my bitterness towards Papa.
What is forgiveness? What does it look like in practice? I have my own idea, but I want to know what ya'll think.