College

Lately I've been re-thinking why I am in college. I guess doing badly will make you do that. I don't really know why I am here. I guess that's just what I assumed I'd be doing after high school. Also, I think it has a lot to do with what I think my family wants me to do. As I've been thinking about this, I've realized how much I rely on what others think of me. And a lot of times, I project my own low opinion of myself and make myself believe that is what they think of me.

If I fail my Phonology course, which is looking likely, I'll be the first in my nuclear family to fail a course in school, elementary, middle, high school, or college. I guess in a way I already have failed a grade. Repeating fifth grade. I always tell people it's because we moved to the Philippines and back, but none of my brothers had to repeat a grade because of that. Only me.

And by the way, this isn't meant to be me asking for compliments or justification. It's just me throwing my thoughts out there. In truth, it's probably good for me. Maybe it'll motivate me to change stuff about my life. Namely my motivation to actually do work.

I guess I just feel inferior to my brothers a lot of the time. I'm sure they don't try to make me inferior, I guess it's just that I see myself as inferior and so every thing they do I see as better than when I do it.

I know that God doesn't compare me to anyone else and that I shouldn't either. But the world does. And I haven't mastered the idea of living in the world but not being of it.

When I have people around me complaining that they made an A instead of an A+, that doesn't help either. I know they aren't trying to make me feel stupid, but it does. I mean, it shouldn't because they probably tried way harder than I did.

This past year I just stopped working. I don't know why. Maybe it was the depression that just got me out of the grove. I don't know. But whatever it was, I just stopped working. I have been doing barely enough to get by. I started working during finals, but by that time, it's a little late.

I'm hoping that I don't get "un-accepted" to the study abroad program if I fail Phonology. I keep on hoping that other outside sources will motivate me to do work, but nothing has worked. I guess I've just been hoping that I won't have to just go at it without wanting to.

I'm also not looking forward to telling my mom that I failed a course. I don't want her to be disappointed in me. But I don't want to be living my life based on what my mom thinks. But at the same time she and my dad are the ones paying for my education, so I feel like I am under an obligation to do well. *sigh* None of it really makes any sense to me.

There are so many issues wrapped up together, it's hard to see where one problem ends and another begins. But I do know that it's all within me. *I* need to be the one to change. Only I can make the change. Maybe motivation is just an illusion. I just have to do it without wanting to. But then...I don't want to be miserable.

I see so many people who spend all their time working and studying and I don't want to do that. And I don't want to be ruled by what others think of me. I guess those are more fine lines to walk. It's pretty discouraging to me to see how many fine lines there are and so many things that I need to do to improve. I just get so overwhelmed.