Oh, God, where are you now?

Well, I figured that since it is Thanksgiving break, I should make a post since I've been pretty busy with school and life in general. This past weekend was rough for me.

This semester seems to have been the slow eroding of many of the beliefs I have built up around my relationship with God. Then, this weekend was a sort of earthquake that shook them all down. There was no definitive moment when it all came down around my ears, but I do know that it all came down. Perhaps my foundation was shaky. But figuring that out is not as pressing as making my foundation firm in God.

When I was talking to my good friend, Meredith, as I was going through this "earthquake", and image came to mind.

I had built up protection around me. When the earthquake came, it shook everything down. Now, I'm standing in a pile of rubble. The open sky and land stretches out on every side. It's pretty scary after being in enclosed spaces for so long. But, in front of me, down and up a hill, there's a cross. I don't know what lies between me and that cross, but I do know that I have to get to the cross. Meredith asked me who else was there and reminded me that the Lord was beside me. Then we had to work through my issues with trusting God and seeing him as MY father rather than who he really is.

If I see him as MY father, then I see someone who is going to take me halfway and then drop me and expect me to make it on my own. I see someone who stands on the sidelines, half cheering for me when someone reminds him to. Meredith rebuked all of that and told me that he is going to be as close as I'll let him be. I WANT him to be as close as possible, it's just LETTING him that is my problem. I've been working on this. Now, I feel like I hit rock bottom last weekend and now I'm working my way up. There are hills and valleys on the way up, but I feel that I'm always going up.

I am learning that God is with me the whole way. I've started reading "Too Busy NOT To Pray" by Bill Hybels. He talks about how God is like a father in that he wants to give us what is best for us and he always has time for us. Hybels talks about how he is willing to drop everything at work when his children call him. He also talks about how we would not ask someone to do something when we know they cannot. No one asks me to get the troops out of Iraq, because they know that I cannot. If we are asking God for something, why would we believe that he would not do anything about it? Reading this has helped. It has helped to hear from a father who values his children and wants the best for them and works for it.

As this week has gone on, I have found and heard God in unexpected places and saying unexpected things. On Wednesday, I went with most of my family to see the Monet exhibit and that was beautiful. It was amazing to see God's beauty translated into more of his beauty.

It was amazing to see how Monet put his feelings into the paintings. Each painting could and would be completely different from the last one. They could be paintings of the same place or same subject, but look completely different. He would go from bold colors and strong lines to pastels and burry lines and everywhere in between. His depictions of the ocean are amazing! Somehow he is able to capture the movement of the ocean and the crashing waves... I so wish that I could get into his head and see what he saw and how he approached each painting and how he went about each one. It would be sooo fascinating!

Today, I had the distinct feeling God was asking me, "Esther, what do you want?" So, I told him. I want peace. Not a sort of surface peace, but "the peace that transcends all understanding." I don't know if he will give me that right away. But as I let him closer, maybe I'll gain some of that. Meredith told me last night to pray for myself. I feel so selfish, praying for myself. But I guess there are times in life when you need to. And I'm not saying that I never pray for myself. I have prayed for wisdom for years and there are always little things on my mind. But praying JUST for myself seems wrong and self-centered somehow, but perhaps that is the devil trying to gain another foothold.

So, for now, I will read and pray and seek God with my whole heart and he promises that I will find him when I do that.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13