Wandering thoughts

So, time for more self-pity. A friend of mine and I were discussing the talk last night like they told us to and we talked about our fears about why guys don't seem to ever like us. She told me about how Lydia seems to attract all the guys and she doesn't seem to at all. I told her what I was afraid of and what I wondered. "Why don't guys ever like me? Am I ugly? Am I too loud? Am I too quiet? Do I dress wrong? Am I scary to them? What keeps them from ever liking me?"

But I guess we were going down the wrong road. A better question to ask would be, "Why do I need guys to up my self worth?" Shouldn't that be reserved for God and God alone? But how do you achieve that? I've tried and I feel like I got somewhere near it, but I don't know that I'll ever be completely there, but then, that's the point. If we could do anything perfectly it would invalidate Jesus' death and resurrection.

You know, Jesus told us that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains. How small is my faith then? That's pretty humbling. Humbleness is not my forte. I thought it was for a long time, because I would minimize myself and then I would get proud of being humble. CS Lewis talks about that in the Screwtape Letters.

"Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, 'By jove! I'm being humble.' and almost immediately pride--pride at his own humility--will appear."

But this summer at Rockbridge, God made it clear to me that I was just as proud as the next person, if not more so. He showed me where my pride was located. I still hate to acknowledge it, but I have to, to be able to deal with it. I am proud that I am a Christian. I am proud that I "found" Christ while everybody else is still walking around, lost and broken.

But God has been showing me that I am lost just as much as any other person. I already knew I was broken, but not because of who I was, but because of what had happened to me. But God has been showing me how sinful I am. I don't like seeing it. Who does? CS Lewis, in the Screwtape Letters, when talking about repentance says, "They hate every idea that suggests Him, just as men in financial embarrassment hate the very sight of a bankbook."

For a long time I thought that being humble was, as CS Lewis says, "trying believe those talents [that I have] to be less valuable than he believes them to be." (In case you haven't figured this out, I really like CS Lewis in general, and Screwtape Letters, specifically.) But someone once said, I've forgotten who now, that humility is not thinking less of your self, but rather thinking of yourself less. That is hard to do in a culture that seems to believe the opposite. We are taught to pretend to believe that we are not good at anything, but to be very selfish, self serving people at the same time.

For a long time I struggled with the fact that I don't believe I am good at anything, but God has given me peace in that. I still don't believe I am good at anything, but I know that through that God can shine all the more clearly....when I let Him.... For that reason, I love the story of Gideon defeating the Midianites. God whittles his army down to 300 men. God tells Gideon why He is doing this. "You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her...with the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands." (Jud. 7:2,7) So, although I still mourn not being good at much of anything, I know that through that, God can shine more clearly through me.

"I only know one place I can run to. I want to hide in you. The Way, the Life, the Truth so that I can disappear, and love is all there is to see coming out of me and You become clear as I disappear." ~Disappear by Bebo Norman