So, I'm graduating tomorrow...

That's pretty crazy and I don't feel at all ready for it. I don't have a job or a car...just a year-long lease on a townhouse with four other girls. Now I wonder why I didn't go through college thinking about what I was going to do when I graduated. I never took any internships and I never worked at a non-profit or anything that would prepare me for "real" life. I just went to class, did my work, hung out with friends, and worked as a camp counselor. But I was just doing what I loved, for the most part.

I guess this is where the "trusting God while you work" part comes in... Mainly I think it's the "trusting God" part where I falter. I can do work...and sometimes I can trust God. But a lot of times, I feel like I don't really trust God. Which is frustrating because he has proved his love and his faithfulness to me over and over. And yet I still hesitate when it comes to trusting that he will take care of me.

I guess it's just part of being human. I take comfort in the fact that God created me and so he knows my failings. As an artist I can appreciate that. When I look at my art, I can see all the problems with it, even if others can't. Sometimes it is all I can see. But thankfully, God made us just the way he wants us so he can see what there is to love. He can see us the way he meant us to be, not necessarily the way that sin has wrecked us. He can see us through the lens of Jesus.

I guess I just have to remember that he loves me--not like an earthly father, but like a perfect father--and that he will use me as a witness for his kingdom. I should be more concerned about finding a place where I can be a good witness, but then, if it comes down to it, that is everywhere. But God knows where I will be challenged and have to grow. He will put me where he wants me. I just have to find that place. And I have to trust in his love for me and for all of his creation. I am here to glorify him and to be a witness to those around me. Lord willing, he will give me the strength to do just that.

So, I guess graduation just ushers me into a new place to be a witness. Hopefully a better one than I have been in college...hopefully I will get continually better at being a witness for his kingdom. I have purpose, I just have to find a place to live it out now.

61 degrees

When it gets up to 61 degrees here I am always reminded of England. While there, I learned that 16 degrees Celsius was about 61 degrees Fahrenheit. I learned some of the other corresponding temperatures, but that was the one I learned first.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to someone and referred to my time in England as perhaps a "once in a lifetime experience." The thought that I may not ever go back is really sad. There is so much there that I never got a chance to see. I don't feel like I made good enough use of my time there. There were so many days that I could have gone to see something...anything, but instead I just hung around the flat, reading or cooking or something of the sort.

I want to keep believing that I'll go back to England, but realistically, I probably won't get the chance. But I'm going to keep hoping...and saving.

God, Life, and Love

So, I still don't understand why God lets such evil exist in the world, but I do know for sure that he loves me and I'm going to have to trust that he loves those people who are going through such horrible things.  While I was thinking about it some time in the past couple of days, the thought came to me that God made and loves the people who are committing those acts too and that it breaks his heart to see his children committing such atrocities, but I believe that he has also given us the freedom to choose to follow him or to follow the evil power that exists in the world.  I'm not excusing what they are doing, please, please, don't think I am saying that.  Just realizing that he loves them too made me check my anger and think a little more.  

It's nice to have a God who will let you get furious with him and still be ok with it.  

I realized about a week ago that I'm afraid of loving life.  There are several people that I've known that have seemed full of life that have died in tragic freak accidents.  Somehow from that and from the Bible saying that the one who loves his life will lose it, I drew the conclusion that I shouldn't love living and being alive.  I guess that got me stuck in the apathy that I developed to deal with some major pain that I had to deal with earlier in my life.  I  didn't live my life for fear that I would lose it and for fear that I would get hurt again.  

I'm still afraid of both of those things, but now I want to live my life.  I want to stop just drifting along and I want to do something.  But I feel like I woke up too late...  But I need to hope that God has a plan in store for me.  It doesn't mean that I'll like the plan...I'm going to get hurt again--hopefully not as bad as before--but God's going to work through me as a witness to his eternal kingdom.  And, you know what, I can't lose my life!  I have eternal life in Christ Jesus and my eternal life starts now!  It started yesterday, last year, almost 23 years ago!  And I'm finally waking up to it.  

I've got to go out and live this life that I've been given!

WHY?

How can God let such horrible evil exist in the world?? I don't understand it. How can he stand by and see a man watch his wife be raped and cut to pieces? How can he not do something about it?? I don't understand it. It seems like he just doesn't care--he's supposed to be our father, how can he sit by and watch all of this going on?

I know firsthand how fallen fathers are and how uncaring they can be. I don't want to think that God, my Daddy, is anything like my earthly father. I (and God has) have worked so hard to convince myself otherwise. He's healed me from so much and I've felt and seen his love in the world around me, but how can he let stuff like this that has happened for so long and continued to happen keep going on??

I know that God is so much bigger than us and that there's no way I could understand what he's doing. And yet, I am still arrogant enough to demand an explanation.

Why, God, why do you let this happen?

But I have to trust that he sees and knows what is going on and that in the end, he will make everything right. I mean, if I don't believe that, how can I have any sort of hope left? I'm not saying that is the only reason I believe that...I'm just saying that's the most compelling reason right now.

Back for a bit

I was looking at all of my friend's posts and it made me want to post again, although I do not really have anything to say. I got my wisdom teeth out on May 14 and I am still on major pain medication. After the surgery, my doctor apparently told my mom that my body would not know the difference between this surgery (in terms of trauma and pain) and being in a bad car wreck, breaking my jaw and losing a couple of teeth. Apparently he had to cut my teeth out of my jaw and the upper tooth was almost into my right sinus cavity. Once you hear all that, it makes more sense that I was flat on my back in bed with pain for a week and that I threw up my pain medications enough to get dry sockets on both of my lower 'holes'. I do not know what else to call them... But one of my friends said, this is one thing that I will not have to go through again. I will probably get bronchitis again and I will probably get the flu again, but I will never ever have to have any more wisdom teeth out, thank goodness.

I have finally felt well enough to stop watching TV (My mom calls it the M*A*S*H stage of healing--or recovering from school--because I watch HGTV, the Food Channel, Animal Planet, TLC, and the Hallmark Channel or TVLand--whichever is showing M*A*S*H. I'm usually watching M*A*S*H when she comes in though or at least that is the way she feels it is.) and so I have begun organizing everything in my room and making a pile of things that I need to get done. And I finally figured out and wrote down all of my hobbies that I have while I'm at home: drawing, writing, reading, juggling, crocheting, and scrap-booking. When I am at school I do not have the space to do all or, really, any of those. There is juggling club and swing dance club that I try to go to, but I do not always have the time. I guess it is partly because I have a bunch of friends at UNC. But I think it is mostly because of the work load. I am not trying to complain; that is how it should be. But hopefully once I graduate I will have more space in my life to be creative. When I went to London and had so much free time I started writing again and wanting to draw and crochet. I realized that I need time and space to be able to be creative.

Anyway....I guess I did have a little to say. Staff training for camp starts June 3. It is crazy that this will be my third summer at camp. I still do not feel like I am a very good counselor. Hopefully I will be a little better this year than the last two years. We will see...

My God is Big Enough

"I replied, 'what are you talking about? You're crazy.' ([God]'s big enough for me to say honest things like that.)"
~Stuff Christians Like

For a long time, I didn't think I was allowed to get angry at God or question him or do anything that might question him. But it finally got through to me after reading a lot of Psalms and hearing several different people say that you are allowed to be real with God. He's big enough to take it. And now I have a place to be angry and to be real--within the circle of his arms. I told my friend once "I'm going to go beat my head against God." It's like I'm a little girl again, only this time I have a daddy who will hold me and love me while I have my temper tantrum. I can beat my head against his chest and question and cry, but he'll always love me and always be there to take care of me. That is such a comfort, especially when I have so much trouble trusting that the people who get to really know me will stick around if I get angry or hurt or anything like that.

Anyway...that was a random tangent when I should be writing a paper rather than reading blogs and writing my own. :-) By the way, that blog is *amazing*. I've really enjoyed it.

Liar...

I'm a liar... I listed some prayer requests on my other blog and then said that was all, but it wasn't. I didn't tell them that I am really lonely... I feel cut off. I think it has become more so since my computer is shot. I can't talk to my friends at all now. I mean, there are people here that I hang out with, but I don't feel that they are really my friends. I mean, one of my flatmates is probably the closest thing to a friend I have here. But she's really sweet to everyone and we don't really talk in depth about much.

I just miss everybody... I guess, again, it's because I went from camp where I was around my friends almost 24-7 to here where I don't have anyone hardly. Maybe this is God teaching me to rely on him more...but it's not going so well right now...

Anyway, if anybody reads this (I know you do, HLMS. :-) ), you know what to pray for... Lonliness sucks... really sucks... Anyway...I'm gonna go read and escape reality for a little longer...