Fickle

Yeah, I'm fickle. First I felt left out when they all left and then when they came back, I wanted the place to myself again! It reminds me of that Relient K song: 'Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency...' I got used to being alone and not talking to anyone. I got used to wandering around the city by myself. I got used to being lonely, I guess. Or maybe being introverted made it ok after a while.

But it was worse when they came back. It's like they developed all these inside jokes while they were away and they use them all the time. Sometimes they will explain them to me after I have asked several times. But that doesn't mean I can join in. And at a point, I don't want to join in. I guess it just makes me feel even more like an outsider. And since I got to college, that has become a foreign feeling.

In high school, I was content with being an outsider and not having many friends. I was just happy that people tolerated or ignored me. But once I got to college, somehow I got a bunch of friends! It was and is amazing to me! I never dreamed that this many people would *want* to hang out with me! I mean, I don't really put myself down much any more, but I know that I wouldn't want to hang out with me.

I realised this summer that I go around expecting people not to like me. Basically, they have to prove to me that they like me. I never assume that anyone likes me. I don't think I ever take it for granted. Not even with my family. I don't know how I got that way, but that's how I am. I guess most people go into relationships expecting the other person to have a neutral view of them, but I go into relationships expecting people not to like me. Not that I think they hate me, I just assume they don't enjoy being around me. That they would be perfectly fine never having met me. I guess that's sort of my default view of people's view of me.

This makes it hard to accept people's love of me. There are some maybe three or four friends that I can believe love me, but other than that, I guess I see my other friends as having a neutral view of me. I've moved up from "don't like/care" to "neutral" in their view (says my view). I don't mean to trivialize people's friendship. I value it more than you can know. I just assume that I am more attached to you than you are to me.

A lot of times I am afraid to show how much I care because it might drive people away, because I've seen it happen with a friend of mine. And now I am just rambling, trying to fix any mess that I may have made. See, when I wrote the part about believing that only three or four of my friends really love me, I saw in my mind a bunch of my friends getting angry and disowning me in a sense.

See, if someone gets angry at me, I guess I see it as they don't love me any more, if they did to start with. I think I've struggled with anger for a long time. I guess my default is that anger and love can't coexist and so if someone is angry with me, they don't love me any more. They might love me later, but definitely not right now. Sheesh...I am just throwing it all out there tonight... I doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore... Maybe that's a good thing after all this junk...

But on a completely different note. I got to get together with Jemima today. It was so great and such a relief to see someone from camp. I might even be happy to see Drew B.....maybe... But anyway, it was so nice to see her and talk to her again!! I have missed everyone from camp terribly. At camp, I felt I could be myself while here, with everyone in the program, I feel like I have to be someone else. So instead of being someone else, I just shut down and get really quiet. Essentially I revert to my high school coping strategy.

So, a lot of this semester, I've felt like I'm back in high school. I would be coming out and getting louder, but there's a person on the program who is in the group of people I hang out with that is very sarcastic. I don't think this person is trying to be hurtful, they are just very very sarcastic. After a while (or right at the beginning) it gets to you. A lot of times, what this person says is hurtful. Or at least it hurts me. And so I start to come out of my shell and talk a bit more but as soon as I do, I get put down or rebuked in some way by this person and so I just give up and retreat again. I wish I would just stop trying to come out but at the same time I don't want to be stuck in my high school ways.

I guess that's part of why it was so good to see Jemima again and spend the afternoon with just her. I could be myself without having to be afraid of being put down or rebuked. After living with a group of people and working intensely with them for three months, you all get very close. But then suddenly I was almost completely cut off from them because I didn't just go back to school, I left the country with another group of people I didn't know at all. So, naturally I've been longing for all the people I was ripped away from. So, it was so nice to see Jemima again and to just have a nice relaxing afternoon wandering around and just talking and catching up.

Whew, I'm sorry for those of you who still read this... I haven't meant to offend anyone. It's just me, putting what I feel at the moment out there without much or any censoring... I'm sorry if I offended anyone or hurt anyone. I can assure you, that if you are my friend I do value your friendship and please, please don't feel the need to walk on eggshells around me. I need to work out how anger and love can coexist for myself and I need to learn that my friends do love me even if I don't automatically believe that they do.