Ladies' Night and such things

So last night was Ladies' Night at InterVarsity. We all went to Hillsong and were welcomed by the men. Then they proceeded to show us live skits and taped skits and feed us dessert. Each skit was about the effect that the women in IV have had on the campus and the men in IV. Each skit was based (loosely) on a Bible verse that they would read to us at the end of the skit. During one of the taped skits they played a clip of "Here's To The Night" by Eve 6. I listened to that a long time ago and hadn't heard it in a long time. It has stuck in my mind, especially one line. "Tomorrow's gonna come too soon." That's what it seems like. The end of the year is fast approaching and soon all the seniors I have gotten to know and love this past year will be graduating and leaving. There is one guy in particular who I will really miss. He acts like a big brother to me. I really like having a big brother here, but at the same time I wish he would see me as an equal and maybe something more. But that is in God's hands. Why is it so hard to trust God? He has taken such good care of me all my life and yet the second I should trust him I grab the reins and try to take charge, although I never was in charge to begin with. I tend to forget that small detail a lot. And yet, it is so freeing. I don't have to worry about anything. God will take care of me. And yet, I still worry. Like this summer, for instance, I have no idea where I should work and I want to work at a place that I will enjoy working, but I don't know where to apply. And I can't seem to balance the motivation to go apply for jobs and trusting God. But it's almost like I have to be worried to be motivated to go find a job. It just doesn't make sense. But I guess I shouldn't be looking for a place that I would like, but rather a place that God can work best through me. I am so self-centered that it is hard to remember that it is all about God and not me. But it's getting late and I have a headache so I'm off to bed...

Trust

Why is it so hard to trust God? He's taken such good care of me and yet every time I am in some sort of bad situation I immediately don't trust Him and try to take care of it on my own. But then maybe I don't trust Him during the good times either, it's just like what CS Lewis talks about in "A Grief Observed" when he says,
"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?"

I guess in the good times, I don't really have much to trust Him with, but when the tough stuff comes, I find that I really don't trust God as much as I should and would like.
I read Acts 4: 23-31 today and the verses 29 and 31 caught my attention. They ask for the Holy Spirit to come upon them so that they can speak the word of God boldly. It's interesting because people don't really talk about the Holy Spirit much. We really don't seem to know much about Him. I wonder what would happen if people began asking for the Holy Spirit to come upon them so that they could preach the word of God boldly (and meant it). I wonder how dramatically that would change the Church and our ministry. I wonder if everyone would go out and preach. Probably not since we need different parts of the Body and they have different functions (surprise, surprise). I wonder what my role is in the Body. I can't seem to figure out what my gifts are. I mean, I enjoy serving others. I just don't know what ways I would be best at. I guess God will reveal that to me in due time as I keep searching.
My grandma is alright. Stable, in that slowly spiraling down way. I guess I should re-read "A Grief Observed" soon. For some reason, I just can't deal with the fact that my grandma's dying. I attempt to avoid thinking about it at all times. But it still hurts. I guess it's just a dull hurt that I push away and try to ignore, thinking it will go away over time. Maybe God will have to drag it out of me like he did my bitterness towards Papa.
What is forgiveness? What does it look like in practice? I have my own idea, but I want to know what ya'll think.

Tangents all over the place

Here's a picture from a retreat I went to a few weeks ago. It was amazing. Not many people went. I only knew one or two people well that went, but I got to know the few people that did go much better. I also got to know several of the seniors well which is kind of bittersweet becuase they are great guys, but they are leaving at the end of this semester. One of them especially who feels and acts like a brother. I will miss him next year. But the retreat was good and I feel like I learned a lot and got reconnected with God.
Well, on a different note, my grandma is dying. I knew she wasn't doing well, but I didn't realize the prognosis was less than 6 months. So that has been hard to deal with. But other than that my break has been nice and laid back. I should be working on other homework...but I'm not. : D I'm just being a general bum. It's great. I am not really sure how to deal with my grandma. I've never known that someone near to me is going to die. I mean, when my granddaddy died, it was rather sudden and I didn't know him that well so it really didn't affect me that much. And then when Alicia died, it was also sudden and totally caught all of us off guard. So I'm not really sure how to deal with this. At this point I just want to go back to school, to the routine that I know so that I can escape this and not have to deal with it. But that's not the way to get through it, as I know from past experience. I know that will just make me...well, I don't know what it will make me, but I do know that it will just ferment and grow bigger. I know that when I am hurt, purposefully or at least, not unintentionally, I get bitter from not dealing with it. But I'm not sure how this will turn out. But because of this past summer, I know that I need to deal with it rather than pushing it away and ignoring it for almost 10 years.
The moon is rising out the left hand corner of my window. It is yellowish and could almost be mistaken for cheese. : ) Only God knows how to touch my heart so well and when it is so hidden away. For all those years, he was slowly getting to my heart, until he finally smacked me ove the head with His incredible extravagant love this summer. I know that "whacked me over the head" isn't very romantic a phrase, but that's really what it was like. Or maybe it was more like a flood. Only not a bad one... Now I am getting too technical... But, ya know, He knows how to get to us. I remind myself of Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader when he turned into a dragon. He couldn't change himself back. Aslan had to use his claws to help him change back to a boy. He had to make it hurt first before he could be rid of the dragon skin (sinfulness). That's how He had to rid me of my bitterness. He had to break my heart before He could heal me. But that's another story for another time... And I'm probably talking to thin air here just like at all my other "blogs". Hehe. Oh, well. This helps me process my thoughts. But if you have stumbled upon this, welcome. It is mostly just stream of consciousness and probably not all that inspired or wisedom-filled, just the thoughts of a young woman learning to love God. Welcome and stay as long as you'd like.